An Ode to the Present
This was probably the most dramatic year of my life. It was just constantly changing. I’ve lived in 4 different places in this same year. People have been passing through and drifting away. I had a cat, too. Well, I did that is until my landlady came over for a surprise visit from Arizona and discovered my little refugee/companion. He has a new home now, too.
Anyway, I’m not sure I liked this year as a whole. In fact, I’m pretty sure I hated it.
I felt like I was a new person every single day. I had to be really, everything was changing so rapidly and I had to adapt. It was exhilarating though. I don’t think I’ve ever traveled so much in such a small span of time, especially out of pure impulse. I’m proud to have done that, even though I never went far at all.
I hated the constant change and the inability to focus. Everything was a constantly moving target. That’s what happens when you live alone, I guess. You haven’t got anyone to help you take on your immediate woes. You get to know yourself very rapidly that way.
I’ve never been more familiar with myself, though. My bad parts, nice parts, the things I’m proud of, the things I’m ashamed of… I know the gist of it. I know what I like, too. I know what to avoid and what isn’t important. I also know how to enrich myself.
I’m not even sure why I’m writing this. Maybe it’s because the majority of what I’ve been writing lately has been related to Greek art and architecture.. And phalluses.
It’s also because I’m not painting and this feels somewhat productive.
Anyway, my brain is scattered because it’s three in the morning.
In conclusion, my favorite thing about this year is that it’s going to end soon and then it’s going to be my birthday. But despite all of that, I know that I’m probably going to think this was the best year of my young adult life in about 20 or so years. It was definitely the most adventurous. It’s just a nice feeling knowing you’re going to look at something so fondly in the future that you feel so sour about in the present.
My sister is becoming a lady now and it’s really strange. She’s almost as tall as I am now and she’s very intelligent. She doesn’t really enjoy applying herself at all though, which was exactly how I was. I was more interested in reading or doodling when I could get away with it. She’d much rather be with her friends or taking pictures. It’s just nice to see her grow up like that. I don’t feel like I have much to worry about because she has her wits about her. And she has sarcasm.
I haven’t had a computer or a care to be on here lately. But it’s still an art blog, even when I’m not here. I’ll always be back to regroup and talk about what all I’ve learned away from my computer screen.
These are (a few of) my most recent works. I did seven over the course of the summer, but I don’t really have the resources to take really great photographs of them at the moment. Once school starts back I’ll photograph them properly and put them on my website.
I have more to talk about when it comes to the direction of which my work is going, but that will have to come later, either in the day or just some other time. Because I have responsibilities and whatnot.
Being a teacher is hard.
I’m repeatedly listening to something we’ve finished recently, and writing down everything I think of, in hopes of making sense of it. Here’s some of that:
Let us make the best of the world we’ve all screwed up.
Let us forgive ourselves for being unable to…
I envy these coworker relationships immensely.
This is my first post in a very long time. I have had a [beyond] terrible past few months and could not grasp how to reorientate myself in order to create work but mainly I was struggling with life itself. I feel like I’m new to everything and I’m 21. Lately conversations have been feeling more like my first ever encounters with socializing and menial tasks have felt like a journey towards nothing. Basically, I’ve been struggling as a human being.
But through all of this I am growing and continuing on my journey of becoming the artist as well as the overall person I want to be.
I have been reading and reassessing my identity as an artist. Not a woman artist, not a young artist. An artist. I’ve been thinking about the work I create and why I always create what I do. It always has the same aesthetic and the same overall connection to abstraction and landscape. I hear the same things at critiques over and over. I keep getting on this tangent about creating the work I’ll always create and I keep getting really worried that I won’t ever find my voice even though it’s already inside of my mind.
I’ve found it however. I don’t know when, I don’t know if I’ve actually always had it there staring me right in the eyes. Either way, I have it.
I was discussing with some fellow students as well as my very influential professor the idea of criticism as well as the idea of certain audiences and after the conversation, I again returned to the questions I’ve been bugging myself with: Who am I even talking to with my work? What am I even doing?
My entire life has been one big escape plan. Whether it be escaping from certain people, situations, legal issues, alcohol problems, the everyday people of Arkansas (and elsewhere) and their inability to think deeper than what their plans are for the evening or whatever else they may think about, grocery shopping trips.. everything. I am constantly thinking about where I could go and how I could get there in order to escape whatever my surroundings may be. It’s almost as if I am never satisfied. Even when finishing a painting. I just want to run out the door and find somewhere better.
It’s a powerful energy I have discovered inside of myself. It’s an energy that I now am aware of and will stop at nothing to harness and throw it on a surface to create work.
I want to appeal to everyone whose escaped somehow. The world is so much more of an escape route than people give it credit for. Around every corner, there is a fire escape so to speak. These fire escapes can be anything from a concert to drugs to a vacation. All of these things are not needed in order to survive, yet they exist as escape routes for everyone. They just have to take the time to discover them.
My paintings are going to be about these escape routes from now on. Through that, I hope that they themselves embody the idea of being an escape. I’m not sure everyone will be able to grasp that, and I’m not saying that I necessarily want them to. I didn’t even grasp it until I did very extensive reading, soul searching, experimenting and, most of all, thinking. Hard thinking. But I would like the subtle tug of almost nostalgia as well as serenity to be evident when my work is viewed. I’ll listen to what these people are saying to me about my work. I will. Even the things about the size of my work (which was never really a big thing for me. I’m more of a thinker than a realizer).
I’m just glad to no longer be blind to all of the things that I want to do. Turns out I’m actually not doing anything wrong. I have before, yes. But it’s better that way, don’t you think?